I do enough
I am enough
This weekend I attended the most gorgeous wedding of the daughter of one of my best and dearest friends. It was held in Charlottesville, VA, in a handsome old church with the reception at Thomas Jefferson’s home, Monalto. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
I’ve been to lots of weddings before, but this one was rare for me because I didn’t bring my guitar. I rarely go anywhere with out my guitar. This time, it was deliberate. I wanted to be a guest.
I wanted to simply “be” and not perform, and performing is what I do best. At least that’s what the little voice in my head says. It also says performing is the only thing I do best. This voice is not my friend. It’s the same voice that says I’m not doing enough, I don’t have enough and that I am not enough without performing/doing/being on. And that, unless I am DOING, I’m not going to have enough, or be enough, so hey, do you see where I’m going with this? It’s unending torture. And I know I will never do enough to silence the voice. Oy.
I had a wonderful time. I did sing an a cappella song at the rehearsal dinner that I have sung at the weddings of my sisters and friends. I am the family Bard after all!
But I wanted to see what it would be like to not enter the weekend as the performer, but as the guest. Here’s what I learned about myself: It was a little easier than I’d anticipated. I was in my body more, and more present.
I listened more. I was still nervous when people asked me if I was going to sing and had to tell them no. I had a great conversation unrelated to what I “do” with the women sitting next to me at dinner. I still talked a little too much about myself with my friends’ cute brother. And, I gladly sang in the bus/shuttle after the reception at the request of a few people I’d not seen in a very long time and had heard me at other weddings. It was so fun to sing Patsy Cline songs on a bus with a couple iPhone flashlights on me and then singing I Want To Hold Your Hand with the other passengers.
And, here’s what I know: I am at a crossroads. I love to sing, and most likely always will. I love entertaining people — I love to make them laugh, feel and think, and many times even cry. Singing still feels like what I’m here to do, but I am realizing that it is ok to be me, too, without the label of “singer.” Trying another label on feels a little scary and exciting at the same time, but not only am I curious as hell — I’m trying to stay willing and welcoming.
So, just for today, I have MORE than enough, I am doing enough, and truly I am enough. And you are too.